Angry Writing

   you know how they say when you are mad you shouldn't say anything you might regret?
FUCK THAT.

   im pissed off right now and the only thing that cares are these keys. there is not a single person on this earth that fully understands me and my mind. i am not saying that my mind is anymore complicated than any other person's, but i am saying that there is no other that is so drastically misunderstood.

   not my friends nor my family even has a clue. my dad is the closest to understanding because his father is the source of our mutual problems. but, i am confident that even he, the one man who shares these vary things that he himself has passed down, does not fully understand. if you know me, i am sorry to say that you only know a small portion, and that portion is most likely the same one that everyone else "knows".

   there is a hidden majority of me inside that i rarely disclose. if you have witnessed this disclosure then you surely didn't understand it the way it was meant, because if you did i wouldn't have ever left your side since.

   this feeling of alienation is nothing novel to me, for i have grown used to it over years of introspection. i thought that fitting in was only important when you actually cared about fitting in. i am wrong. not fitting in is much harder than anyone who fits in could know (if you fit in you are laughing at this). one can not care about fitting in all they want, but the gap between those who fit and those who don't is still there and it is constantly getting wider. and let me tell you, its really lonely on my side.

aside: i love all of my friends and value our relationships very much for i wouldn't be me if it weren't for you.

I Miss My Team

   i just wanna compete again. i wanna go back to junior year and look through that face mask again. i want it all again. i want the sweat and the blood. i want the sprints, the super sets, and the plate workouts. i want the coaches' spit back on my face after he just got done telling me to put that fuckin' kid in the hospital. I want that controlled anger that I used to use. i want that competitive fire back; that one that drives you to do things you never would.
   one practice is all i need, i don't even need a game. just one practice with my team again would be all that i could ask for. i wanna practice til the sun goes down then turn those lights on that everyone used to hate and practice til the sun comes back up. i loved my team and i miss the security in knowing my boys wouldn't hesitate to flat back somebody i don't see. i remember when Carlos knocked himself out and tore the ligaments in that kid's neck because we always did the hitting, never took em. i remember freshmen year when Carey sent the quarterback out of the game screaming "i can't see anything". call me sick but i feed off that shit.